Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
