I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
