So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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