Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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