lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
