i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
