I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
