turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
