everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
