When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
