My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
