Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize