you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize