We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
