Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize