What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
