Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Pooping to opera.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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