Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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