Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize