Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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