I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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