I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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