Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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