Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
