Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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