i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
