Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
