my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
