Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
