I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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