I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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