I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
