I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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