Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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