i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
