It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We named our party play list daddy issues
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
