Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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