6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
