4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
