We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize