I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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