Is it normal to miss your booty call?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I AM VODKA MAN
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
