Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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