The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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