You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
