well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
