Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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