I will die if light touches me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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