Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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