and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
