i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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