he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
