when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude i'm inner monologue high
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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