Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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