The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
