i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
