dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
